I met a girl on Saturday. We were introduced by a mutual friend, although "friend" is probably a bit strong. It was a very pleasant dinner, and we finished up our conversation with dessert and non-coffee coffee. And she seems to be one of the most genuinely nice people I have ever met. That is causing me no small amount of distress.

I finished The Picture of Dorian Gray, the third pleasure read of my research years. Is it vain to say that I identified with him? Is it sad?

Me: She's a really ... good person. And I am not.

I remember hearing somewhere about how we shouldn't focus so much on what we want our future spouses to be, but rather try to be what our future spouses would want. Or some such cute phrasing. But time seems to wear down every conviction, and even if I was that person at some point, I've long since marred my portrait.

She: Do you drink coffee?

Me: I used to never drink coffee, but in the past year or so I've started drinking it more often. Maybe once or twice a week. How about you?

She: Every single day.

Will you believe me when I tell you that there was more conviction in those three words than in anything I've said in forever? I don't even know how to relate to that.

Yet.

We were at Myung's condo for game night and people kept commenting on his small tube TV.

Helanne: You can have my TV.

Myung: Is it a tube TV?

She: Well, yeah, but it's bigger than what you have.

And we're all waiting for someone to offer us a 70" flatscreen.

*****

I played Risk for the first time ever and ended up winning. I got lucky by starting with most of Africa and half of South America, then took a big risk and went all in to take out Sam from the rest of South America. After Anson and Myung all but wiped each other out, I simply marched to victory.

During the game, Anson kept joking that the risks he likes to take are the ones that guarantee that he'll win.

*****

It's been almost three months since I started research. I've learned how to grow and test cell lines, isolate proteins using immunohistochemistry, operate on mice, cut and stain samples, and most importantly, enjoy weekends off. I've helped clean out Arturo's landfill of a backyard, enjoyed my first Bethel EM retreat in many years, and helped organize the residency picnic (i.e., show up with booze). But apparently I haven't been spending my time doing the one thing I'm supposed to be doing.

*****

There's a girl I've seen a handful of times on my shuttle bus. She's younger than most of the people that take the bus from Union Station. She's girl-next-door pretty and dresses in conservative tops and dark capris. I remember looking at her and thinking, if life took a few turns here and there, we could grow old together and we could tell our grandkids that it all started with a passing glance on a bus.

*****

My mom told me the name of a girl that she thinks I should meet. She said that she got the information from someone that she knows. The name sounded strangely familiar, so I texted Parker about it. He confirmed that he had gone out on a blind date with her a few months back and not again because she didn't seem to have much interest in God.

I have not contacted her.

*****

When Anson started preaching on the fruit of the Spirit two weeks ago, I immediately requested to lead praise for the week that he would speak on peace. On Sunday I want to tell everyone that peace does not arise from the absence of doubt, but from the presence of faith. I want them to hear it coming from me because then I can hear it too.

Hear me, full of doubt. The Lord is with me.