The singles mixer was a mixed bag. It wasn't really awkward at all, which isn't too surprising since the whole thing (big group, activity) was designed to avoid it. The guys all said they had a good time and the majority expressed some interest in getting to know the girls better. Unfortunately, most of the girls did not feel the same way. There were a couple of potential connections that were left for fate to work out, but the rest left with the same muted/casually hopeful/ultimately resigned feelings with which they initially came.

I met with Mike for dinner this week and he told me about these dreams that he was having. In them he was still with his ex-girlfriend and couldn't figure out why. He would wake up and the anxiety would slowly be washed away by reality.

I told him about the email that I sent a couple of weeks ago, and how she had responded so graciously, and how I felt so unburdened that Sunday as I led praise. I said that these things make a difference, that our relationships don't happen in a vacuum, and there are consequences to our hurtfulness. I said that we've all made mistakes in the past - I, most of all - and we may never be able to make up for it, but we can learn and we can grow and today can be merciful and tomorrow kind.

Or maybe not. Life is so messy.

When I saw John Choi at Ray's mom's funeral earlier this month, I asked how he was doing and he said things were difficult. I assumed that he was just talking about his commitments to various churches and organizations due to his inability to say no to anyone, but he explained that it was, in fact, his family. His mom had gone through treatment for liver cancer earlier this year, and he had just found out that his dad has metastatic prostate cancer. He looked weary.

My family had Thanksgiving at my sister's in-laws' place on Thursday. The original plan was to have it at my sister's house, but she called me last weekend and told me that plans had changed, that she'd just had a miscarriage. When I saw her on Thursday, I hugged her and told her that I was so sorry, and she said it was okay, but when she finally let go, she was crying and it wasn't okay.

Everyone did their best to be cheerful. During a conversation later that evening, my sister's mother-in-law was telling a (racist-in-a-Korean-way) story with interruptions by the brother-in-law and the father-in-law.

MIL: So she was talking about how it's so sad that black people get the worst of it. Some of their hair is so hard to manage, some of their skin is so dark, and some of them are so poor.

BIL: But they're so athletic.

FIL: Good dancers!

And the ridiculousness of his exuberance brought a smile to my sister's face and I was thankful for just that.

Since the holidays usually bring a sense of loneliness to the lonely - and at times, we're all a little lonely - I hope that we all at least get a smile for our troubles. And open endings can be second chances for the hopeless cases.

I could blame it on the fact that I was severely flu-ridden this past weekend and still possibly suffering from intermittent delirium, but I won't.

I had dinner with Parker yesterday and he had some tentatively good news about a girl that he met. He said things seemed to be going well, but it was still early, so he didn't want to get too far ahead of himself. I was happy for him, but it made me think.

I also had to send an email out to the Bethel men's group because, in anticipation of the singles mixer this weekend, all the joking had turned it into a big joke. I asked that we would be mature, honest about our intentions, expect honesty in return, and treat each other with kindness and respect. And that also made me think.

So I sent an email to the girl that I mentioned before, not asking for a second chance - we were a little beyond that - but with the hope that no one needed to feel diminished just because things didn't work out, and that we could part ways amicably, without bitterness or hurt. Maybe it was a bad idea and I should have just let it go, but I didn't. And it wasn't.

Good closure is good.

When Kayle recently told me that her church had a lot of single girls, I mentioned that my church had a lot of single guys. Not long after that I was writing an email to the Bethel men's group to gauge potential interest in a singles mixer. What follows are some quotes from the thirty-plus replies that came back this afternoon (edited for readability).

"If they're not looking for super successful, I am definitely qualified."

"I am a bit leery ... I wouldn't mind being someone's wingman, though."

"This event is on the condition that the woman will follow the man to his church, right?"

"You can't speak on this, married man! Let the single men enjoy the show."

"If they seek God, is Bethel not the place where you meet Him?"

"Men at Bethel really make women to seek God and Him only ... ask Sharon."

"If any of you guys are on the fence about participating in a mixer, just come out and recruit some of these chicks to Bethel. Is this wrong, Pastor Anson?"

"Maybe we can set up a 'practice' beforehand for those of you who are nervous."

"Please let's practice. That's gonna be awesome."

"This is hilarious. What's more amusing is the mental picture of a 'practice' for this thing."

At this point, I think there is more support for the practice than for the actual mixer. Leave it to the Bethel guys to turn a potentially awkward situation into a complete mockery. Well, at least until the actual mixer happens, and then we'll get back to the awkwardness.

Speaking of awkwardness, I downloaded some new songs. After listening to Lenka sing "The Show" on YouTube, I decided to add a new batch of music to my iPhone. And since my taste in music is - to put it generously - questionable, this list should come as no surprise.

Lenka - "The Show"
Lenka - "Heart Skips A Beat"
Florence + The Machine - "Shake It Out"
Justin Bieber - "Baby"
Secret - "Love is MOVE"
Girls' Generation - "The Boys"

But I don't see why I should apologize for the generally crappy music that I like. What does it matter to me if other people think that my music sucks? I'm the one who's listening to it. Music with meaning? Or soul? Or even just technical virtuosity? Sometimes, sure, but sometimes I don't mind something silly that can put a smile on my face.

I remember reading an excerpt from Moneyball years ago about Jeremy Brown and a well-hit ball. When I saw the movie yesterday it was slightly modified, but basically served the same purpose. And for a movie that was ostensibly about taking the romanticism out of baseball, it found plenty to be romantic about in life.

When I was talking to Eugene about the single life, he asked me what kind of girl I was looking for.

Me: A ... good girl.

He: There are no good girls anymore.

I agreed with him because I knew what he meant, but of course there are "good" girls around. Unfortunately my history says that I don't seem to fit well with them. And the ones that do like me aren't "good" as much as they are "crazy" or "emotional" or something else that sounds potentially tempting but just ends up being someone who thinks I can deal with her baggage. Maybe I can, but I don't particularly want to.

Apparently I haven't met anyone that I believe would make me happier than I am being alone.

One thing that I've thought about is the idea that if I do meet someone new, she won't really know about my life. I mean, I could give a quick rundown of the past dozen years post-college, but she wouldn't really understand. Is that normal? Would I pretty much close the door to all that and want to start a new life and make new memories with this person? Would I throw her to my old/current blog and tell her to get back to me when she's finished? But here I go, worrying about a problem that doesn't yet exist.

Or maybe ever? Not to be overly dramatic, but if there isn't going to be a future wife, what am I waiting for?

In the movie, the little girl sings a song for her dad and adds her own line, "You're such a loser, Dad." The original ending of the song is a little different.

I want my money back, I want my money back
I want my money back, just enjoy the show

You can keep the money, I think I'll just enjoy the show.