I visited New York City last weekend for the first time since the last time. And the last time was the start of something big, so this time will be interesting to see.

Met Janna. Good talk. Wonderful girl.

I hate the stomach-churning ups and downs of searching for love. As much as I try to steel myself against the whimsies of my emotions, every hint of reciprocal interest lifts me six inches off the ground and every minute of passing silence buries me six feet under. My only saving grace seems to be the gentle pull of God's actual saving grace.

I want to put these in writing during this momentary bout of clarity so that I don't forget:

My complaint is often that God should give me my heart's desire, so as to satisfy my longing, or (in my oh-so-praise-worthy self-sacrifice) take away my desire completely. But He doesn't want to take away my desire - it's meant to be there. Of course it is; He created it. But that gnawing in my heart isn't what I think it is. I'm looking at the wrong thing.

I've gone out on dates with good Christian girls, and our conversations have included good Christian talks. But have they been Christ-centered? And by that I mean, have we intentionally focused our discussion around the idea that this nascent relationship will be intentionally built on Jesus as the only goal? No, we usually spend the time talking about things we like to do, our friends and families, our careers, and try to get a feel for whether we may be compatible together. These things aren't inherently bad, and in fact, are helpful in completing the periphery of the picture of ourselves. But how can I hope for a Christ-centered relationship when I'm constantly making doughnuts?

Loneliness is difficult and frustrating and painful, but it would be far worse to be lonely together. By the grace of God, let us desire the doughnut hole.