Earlier this week I took a sip of some Sprite Zero and felt a funny tingling in my mouth. Oh no.

I came home from work and started a oral contortionist routine involving a mirror and a flashlight. My mouth, gentle reader, was an absolute disaster. There were stains and spots and things that looked an awful lot like cavities everywhere. And my rarely used toothbrush looked at me, shook its disposable head, and looked away in disgust.

I freaked out.

I called my mom and asked if my old dentist took appointments on Saturdays. Then I brushed my teeth for, oh, ten minutes. And rinsed my mouth with Listerine. And I prayed like George Bailey back at the bridge, begging for a second chance.

On Saturday I drove to the suburbs so my dentist could fit me into the end of his schedule. He took a look, then took an X-ray.

He: You don't have any cavities.

Me: I ... really?

He: The X-ray shows that you have a badly impacted 3rd molar. You may need an oral surgeon to cut it out, and possibly remove the 2nd molar at the same time.

Me: So no cavities at all?

He: Uh...

Me: I'm never going to brush my teeth again.

Just kidding. So he said as long as it wasn't causing any real pain and wasn't infected, I might be able to leave it alone. And then he gave me a ten minute talk on cell biology and vitamins. In Korean.

So I'm going to consider this a lesson learned. I added oral hygiene to my list of New Year's resolutions and promised myself never to look that closely at my teeth ever again.